An Open Letter to the Children of Wisconsin


Are you enjoying your time off kiddos?

Welcome to the real world! All that stuff your teachers have been telling you about democracy and elections, well, it was all a load of Wisconsin cow fodder. In the real world agitators, blackmailers, and community organizers trump the law.

Elections only matter to your teachers when they win. If they lose it’s time to take to the streets and protest, and file injunctions in the nearest available court.

They learned that from their hero, Barack Obama. When he got elected they were happy, remember? Do you also remember how excited they were when they talked about him? Do they still have their Obama ’08 bumpersticker on their car? (A lot of them got scraped off.)

And remember how they carefully explained about global warming and all those evil corporations? (Like the one your Mom or Dad works for.) Well, all of that was a lie.

It’s called misdirection, and as you can see now… the only thing that will bring your teacher into the street to protest is money. That’s what they really care about, and when you get older you will come to realize that it is always about the money.

Your teachers don’t care about polar bears, or acid rain, or rising oceans, they just want money. Believe it like you believe in Facebook. If they had to sacrifice a polar bear cub by running it over with an SUV in order to secure a pay raise, they would.

It’s called an unholy alliance (google it) kiddo. Suppose your teacher was faced with the following conundrum:

Candidate A is for programs that protect the enviroment, end racism, and promote world peace, and he wants to pay for it all but cutting teacher pay by 2%. There is zero chance that a single teacher in the State of Wisconsin would vote for him. Believe it like you believe in your cellphone bunky. Candidate B would always win as long as he is pro-teacher, i.e. willing to raise teacher pay.

Your teachers don’t really care about your future, if they did they would be in class doing their job. And you are the ones who are going to end up paying for the bulk of their generous pensions and gold-plated healthcare plans. Did you realize that when they asked you to join them at the Statehouse?

It’s called irony (google again) kiddos. Your teacher took you into the streets to help him or her, but they forgot to tell you the minor detail about you and your friends paying for it all someday if their protests succeed. They ignore moral obligations like full disclosure (google again) pumpkin, and trust me, your teachers knew that they are using you, and they also knew that they should have explained that to you.

Did they teach you about irony yet? How about critical thinking? Did they teach you to question authority? Well, your teacher is the closest thing you have to an authority figure, so why don’t you ask them a few pertinent questions whenever they decide to go back to work. Try these if you like…

1. If democracy is the way we change things in America, why don’t you work to get different people in office next time instead of making a fool of yourself?

2. Should I always protest my employer when they don’t give me what I want? Or only when I am a unionized public servant?

3. Is there a moral or legal reason why the taxpayers of Wisconsin should capitulate to your demands?

4. Do you think that duly-elected public officials have a moral obligation to avoid borrowing money that future generations will have to pay?

Remember one last thing before you google “Justin Bieber” and start your next attempt to guerilla-market (google it… again) yourself via your Iphone: Your teachers probably don’t know who won the Civil War, so don’t put too much stock in their political ideology… (Google it!)

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Howdy, my name is Jim Funkhouser and I write almost as well as Sarah Palin (verified at 7th grade level). I live in the kid-friendly town of Elberfeld. This lovely hamlet is located in God's Country (Indiana), US of A. My other blog, which you are cordially invited to attend, can be located easily by googling 'the' 'zonks' 'facebook'. There I do my best to reveal the best of 60's and 70's pop, rock, blues, and even country from time to time. Married for 29 years to lovely Rosanna Marie, with ten fantastic kids (Jimmy, Matthew, Aaron, Emily, Daniel (soon to be King), Niklaus, Madeline, Christopher, Wyatt, and the one and only Lucianne Marie. (Obviously all money collected in the tip jar will find its way into various nintendo and playstation software and hardware.) Please check out my book at Barnes and Noble or Amazon: We Were the Zonks! Email me at