Thanks Mitt, Now I Know Why We’re Here

mitt romney cant avoid health care issue
Willard Mitt Romney
mitt romney cant avoid health care issue
Willard Mitt Romney

 To quote the most famous community organizer in American history, “We are the people that we have been waiting for.” Gosh, I wish I had a way with words too. Of course if you said something that ridiculous at your local VFW you would be quietly escorted to the door. 

Do teleprompters come preloaded with stupid quotes like that I wonder? Spellcheck? Shouldn’t hard to pronounce words appear in red on the screen? So if say, “corpsman” appears suddenly, Obama could stop and think for a moment… Hmmm, maybe the P is silent… or is it the S? Who would have guessed both? (Maybe someone who had studied military history?)

Gee, Do you suppose Krauthammer realizes that our current President needs to “go to school” when it comes to being Commander in Chief?

Obviously teleprompters of the future will be able to just transmit the needed sounds directly to the mouth, complete with perfect pauses and pitch changes, just in time for the next corrupt charismatic iteration of Statism to appear and preach that hopey changey thing again.

I can’t compete with a master orator when it comes to promoting the cause, “We are the people we have been waiting for,sounds like something out of a bad Twilight Zone episode to people who cut their own grass every Saturday morning. Nah, it’s just, “Thank God for the Tea Party” here in the heartland, and I mean… right now.

(By the way, type “master orator” into a google search and before you get William Jennings Bryant, or Ronald Reagan, or Teddy Roosevelt, you get Obama. Yet another reason to use Bing.)

You sure won’t get Mitt Romney under the tags master, or orator, or both. But, he sure looks the part. It’s as if The Republican Party ordered him up from a Hollywood talent agent’s rolodex: “Yeah, we need an anti-Obama type, so the people will have clear choice. A Mormon? Perfect! Nah, we don’t care about the issues. He can’t be a conservative and Mormon anyway, people will think he’s a Nazi-sympathizer.”

Luckily for Romney no one will ever accuse him of being a Nazi-sympathizer, an Obama-sympathizer on the other hand isn’t much of a stretch. Call me crazy, but didn’t the Republicans nominate an Obama-sympathizer in 2008? Wasn’t McCain on board with Cap and Trade, Immigration Reform, and bailouts, just like Dear Leader?

It didn’t take long for Romney to line up with the establishment either. Right out of the box he blamed global-warming on those walking-talking critters: White Sox fans. Well, to be honest, he blamed everyone, but he should have left it at White Sox fans. That would have kept the President blameless since everyone knows you can’t technically be a White Sox fan unless you actually know at least one player.

(If I ever get to ask Obama a question at a town hall event… “Do you think the Pale Hose need a new clean-up hitter?” Let me anticipate his response for the faithful, “Pale Hose?”

Getting back to the number one Red Sox fan, Mitt Romney, those who pretend to be deciders of such things need to understand that the Tea Party will not likely participate in his coronation, and just as with McCain’s folly in 2008 proved, a lack of energy in a national campaign is poison.

One is left to wonder why the intelligensia on the Right strain to ignore the energy and discourage conservatives. Mitt is polished, but he’s wrong on many issues. (Maybe all of them.) 

Why does substance not reflect negatively on the ability to make decisions? Mitt, like Obama, has been running for President since college, so it’s to be expected that his basic spiel is bulletproof. At this point though he has changed his mind on so many issues that he’s become an expert at obfuscation, so it’s impossible to pin him down, even though his position papers look like the family dog has chewed on them for a few days.

Amazingly it’s already down to Palin and Romney, Tea Party vs. Establishment. Don’t believe me? Well, I’m on record as saying that Palin is definitely running, and if the Palin Express up I-95 doesn’t prove that I’ll eat my St. Louis Cardinal’s hat. And because the battle lines have already congealed so neatly it’s time to begin with the flowery prose befitting a Poet Laureate, “Now I know why we’re here.”

Not quite to the standards of Rod Serling, (is that too inside-baseball?) but to rally the Harley riders, turkey hunters, and American Legion faithful, it’ll do fine. All that’s left is to wait for the conservative pundits to slowly come around. 

It will probably remind you of watching your toddler taking his first steps, “Look honey! Little Krauty can walk! He finally admitted the Sarah knows the alphabet!”

Regardless, she knows that the idiot who came up with Romneycare can’t spell capitalism.     



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Howdy, my name is Jim Funkhouser and I write almost as well as Sarah Palin (verified at 7th grade level). I live in the kid-friendly town of Elberfeld. This lovely hamlet is located in God's Country (Indiana), US of A. My other blog, which you are cordially invited to attend, can be located easily by googling 'the' 'zonks' 'facebook'. There I do my best to reveal the best of 60's and 70's pop, rock, blues, and even country from time to time. Married for 29 years to lovely Rosanna Marie, with ten fantastic kids (Jimmy, Matthew, Aaron, Emily, Daniel (soon to be King), Niklaus, Madeline, Christopher, Wyatt, and the one and only Lucianne Marie. (Obviously all money collected in the tip jar will find its way into various nintendo and playstation software and hardware.) Please check out my book at Barnes and Noble or Amazon: We Were the Zonks! Email me at