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By Bill Colley
Groucho Marx once was rebuffed from joining a trendy private club because he was Jewish. He wrote the board members and asked if his children of a Christian mother could join and wade into the club pool up to their knees. He got no response. The comedian’s letter came to mind this morning while I listened to a few painful minutes of Morning Joe on MSDNC. The handsome Andrea Mitchell was sharing the latest media outrage. Augusta National in Georgia doesn’t admit women to its prestigious club. I guess it means women have to golf elsewhere if they even golf.
Some years ago I had to drive my sister to a cousin’s bridal shower because my sister didn’t yet drive. Uncle Dave was an officer at his local American Legion and had booked a room for the women’s private affair. My sister went in and I rolled down my car windows and leaned back in my seat on a mild June day and figured I could get a welcome nap. Then the doors at the Legion suddenly popped open and a gaggle of women insisted I shouldn’t be waiting outside. Despite being parked beneath a shade tree they didn’t believe my isolation was healthy. They pestered and pestered and pestered until I grudgingly agreed to join the party. O.K., party is a stretch. The word party normally conjures thoughts of fun. I spent a couple of hours listening to the hens talk and the ladies thought it was so very amusing. Painful for me.
When I was a little boy we had a cat and if you rubbed its tummy it didn’t enjoy the gesture. A low and rumbling irritating sound would start from deep within the cat and then it would suddenly strike with the speed of a viper. You didn’t rub the cat’s tummy.
There are some places men just don’t belong. Bridal showers, lingerie departments and under a conical dryer at a beauty parlor and I can’t imagine any man demanding entry into these pillars of the world of women. Mitchell doesn’t see things my way. She was spitting and spouting about the cruelty of segregation and mentioned two very serious effronteries. IBM is a sponsor of this week’s tournament and IBM’s CEO is a woman. And? There’s more. A woman working for the sports pages of the New York Times has refused to cover the tournament. I know, I know. It just breaks your bleeding politically correct hearts. When Mitchell finished then Eugene “Marvin the Martian” Robinson of the Washington Post joined the chorus. You’d think a men’s only private golf club was akin to “Bull” Connor loosing dogs on civil rights demonstrators and children.
My usual reactions to these typical liberal whines are simple: “Shut the hell up!” I’ve cleaned it up substantially from how it was phrased by entertainment mogul David Mamet. In an interview Mamet gave last year he shared his epiphany. He was driving with his wife and listening to National Public Radio and he had the same response as mine but in his case he used something harsher than hell.
I did some driving right after today’s whining on Morning Joe. Down the street to meet friends for breakfast at the Long Neck Diner and while sipping my morning coffee I looked up and spied the local morning news on our CBS TV affiliate. Larry the Cable Guy is coming to the Delaware State Fair. I really like the fellow and it’s hard to believe there are people he enrages. You guessed it right! Larry offends some people because he apparently uses the word “retard” during his stage shows. First, a great many other comedians say things much, much worse but liberals don’t give a dang if Bill Maher uses a slang term for a woman’s sex-organ when telling Sarah Palin jokes. I save sound clips from various comedians and sometimes share them on-air. In one I’ve shared frequently with my humble radio audience a young comedian jokes about climbing a grassy knoll in order to shoot a President Palin. Yet, Larry is the one attacked by the offended police. Heck, Palin hears the same from the angry left when they describe her youngest child. No, it’s not nice if you choose to believe Larry is addressing his remarks directly at you or directly at a family member but then Larry doesn’t know who the hell you are! I’ve a solution that may work for all involved. If Larry ruins your life then don’t watch his shows and don’t buy a ticket for his act at the fair. He’ll survive.
As for Augusta National, here’s a thought for the angry women in comfortable shoes. Start your own dang golf clubs and tournaments. What’s that? Oh, they already have? Good heavens! How will the world survive with distinct segregated tours for men and women? What’s that? For decades, already? You know, judging by the looks of Andrea Mitchell men and women have been mixing in boxing rings for a very long time. She and Alan must pop each other right square on each other’s noses every morning to start their days. I think Alan would prefer she just shut the hell up!
Aren’t there greater earthly worries than where you can golf?