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Dateline; Chicago, Illinois-Wednesday, November 7, 2012
The President appeared at the podium last night, his eyes puffy with his brow sweating, his lip quivering and in a very meek ( not his usual deep strong ) voice, he said this;
My fellow Americans, tonight has been a rough one for myself, the girls and Michelle my Belle. Even BO has been pouting and quietly sobbing. Being one to always accept responsibility for my actions, I have only a few short comments on today’s election for President of the United States. How could you do this to me America? I mean really; I gave you Hope when there was none under the evil George W. administration. I gave you Change when you most needed it. It is not my fault that you could you could not understand that the Euro way of life is much more preferable to that of this insufferable American capitalism that you all so cherish.
What happened to all my American-Muslim faithful? Why did you not turn out and vote not once but twice or three times like you were suppose to do?You know and I know, you could have turned out better in Michigan, thrown those three votes my way and I would not have lost that state. And what about my Gay and Lesbian following? Where were you? I did in fact change my position as you had asked me to. I know I lost North Carolina, but you could have all loaded up the buses, headed over to Iowa from the Bay Area and voted for me. Why didn’t you? Oh, I know the fuel is high, they are still paying a $1.00 more a gallon in Europe. $5.00 is not that bad! We had all agreed that it should be, but you could have held fund-raisers to fill up the buses to get you there.
Had the Unions done your jobs ( yes, I know the Coal Union workers are looking for work ) in Ohio, we would not have lost that state either. You all remember I said that shutting down coal was good. We have just had a few problems getting all those windmills cranked up out west. We all knew Ohio was going to be tough. Look; I knew those guys would be angry, but hey; I did give you all Ninety Nine weeks of unemployment benefits. And by the way, why were you so angry about the Health-Care bill. I mean it is affordable. It is government insurance. There was nothing wrong with it. Yea, o.k., so they have to wait for a year to get your tonsils out in Canada. That did not mean it would be that way here in the United States.
And what you my fellow Democrat owned News Papers. I mean, what is your problem in Des Moines? I gave it all to you. I gave you what you asked for. How can you turn on me. It had been since 1972 since you last endorsed a Republican. Why now, what did I do wrong to not earn your endorsement. Twenty One of you guys turned on me and endorsed Romney. What was with that?
And as for my fellow African-American brethren. Look; you could be back in chains as my illustrious VP so eloquently put it. And 85% employment rate is pretty good. I mean only 15% of you are unemployed today. That ain’t too bad. How come you weren’t more motivated to grab your billy clubs and show up at more polling places to help? I mean it’s not like you had to be out looking for work today. I increased all of your Food Stamp benefits didn’t I!
In closing I want to say this to you America! It has been a fun ride! I mean it don’t get any better than being waited on hand a foot and getting to ride in that big pretty blue bird. I didn’t have to wait in traffic to go out and spew my hyperbole to you. I got great food and we didn’t have to walk old BO. Heck we even somebody to do that for us. Life just don’t get any better than that. But you have spoken. You have said stupid crap like you want to even out and lower taxes, less regulations on business so they can create those stupid jobs you all want. You have said, you don’t appreciate my compassionate health-care plan and you want a strong military. Sometimes I just don’t get you people. You had it so good. All you had to do was lay in your bean-bag chairs, eat Cheetos’ and watch the Price is Right. I was taking care of you.
As for the Obama’s. We now shall go to Hawaii and live in that pretty $35,000,000.00 house that was purchased for us. I have my lifetime pension, a free membership at the country-club with unlimited golf privileges. We are good to go. y’all have fun; It has been sweet.
Good night and may Allah bless America!