Blood-Sucking Vampires


By Mr. Curmudgeon:

People living in the western Serbian village of Zarozje are on the lookout for Sava Savanovic. Village Mayor Miodrag Vujetic warned the people of his small hamlet that a vampire (Savanovic) was freed from an ancient mill situated along the Rogacica River when the structure collapsed. Mayor Vujetic urged the voters to “put a Holy cross in every room in the house,” ABC News reported.

Needless to say, sales of crucifixes and garlic have been brisk.

“People are worried,” said the mayor, “everybody knows the legend of this vampire and the thought that he is now homeless and looking for somewhere else and possibly other victims is terrifying people. We are all frightened.”

I’m sure the good people of Zarozje believe their mayor is looking out for their best interests. After all, they voted for him. Still, I can’t help but wonder what Mayor Vujetic is hiding.

Politicians are renowned for scapegoating phantom menaces to hide their corruption, or distract easily distracted voters. The threat can come from global warming, millionaires, billionaires, Tea Party extremists or … vampires.

According to the Central Intelligence Agency, Serbia has a literacy rate of 99.2% for males, 96.7% for females. In short, Serbians are well-educated, superstitious idiots.

In Bram Stoker’s 1897 classic Dracula, a group armed with crucifixes and communion wafers confront the ancient Transylvanian vampire: “Harker evidently meant to try the matter, for he had ready his great Kukri knife and made a fierce and sudden cut at him. The blow was a powerful one. Only the diabolical quickness of the Count’s leap back saved him. A second less and the trenchant blade had shorn through his coat, making a wide gap whence a bundle of bank notes and a stream of gold fell out.”

And you thought Dracula’s flowing cape was for theatrical effect. It wasn’t his bite alone that made women the Count’s captive slaves … he had plenty of “spreading around” money … and gold … to make the creature of the night seem quite attractive.

“You think to baffle me,” Count Dracula snarled at his cross-bearing challengers, “you with your pale faces all in a row, like sheep in a butcher’s. You shall be sorry yet, each one of you! You think you have left me without a place to rest, but I have more. My revenge is just begun! I spread it over centuries, and time is on my side. Your girls that you all love are mine already. And through them you and others shall yet be mine, my creatures, to do my bidding and to be my jackals when I want to feed …”

Speaking of slavish jackals, news reports claim Sandra Fluke – the perpetually amorous law student in need of taxpayer-provided contraception – is on Time magazine’s short list for “Person of the Year.”

“The claims made by Ms. Fluke and others regarding the issue of birth control were, to most Americans, so outrageous as to be, if not unbelievable at least wide-open to parody and ridicule – except for a subgroup of women, especially those of college age or in graduate school,” says US News & World Report’s Peter Roff, “They struck right at the heart of what their professors and campus organizations had been telling them about the Republicans: that they hate women, regard them as second-class citizens and baby factories, and do not take them seriously.”

They proved a powerful voting bloc in 2012, but that does not mean we should “take them seriously.” Like silly Serbian villagers, they bought superstitious bilge: that the Republican Party – which can’t manage to construct a coherent policy on foreign intervention, taxes or the debt ceiling – were somehow on the same page when it came to denying gullible college coeds a good time and free contraception.

You might say Dracula laid out a winning political strategy … one followed to a T by President Obama. Political pundits say the Democratic Party’s “Republican War on Women” strategy carried the day with female voters. That Obama, like Dracula, can command his feminine “creatures, to do my bidding and to be my jackals when I want to feed.”

Instead of reaching for crucifixes and garlic, clueless Republicans seem poised to give Obama trillions in taxpayer bank notes to shower on his hungry, blood-sucking jackals.