Assault Pastries?

Is this a half-eaten pastry or a handgun?

By Mr. Curmudgeon:

It’s a well-known mental exercise among psychologists – they call it the Rorschach Test. A patient is shown a series of ink blots and asked to describe what the shapes remind them of. It’s supposed to help mental health professionals understand the underlying emotional disorder in those unwilling to discuss their thought processes. President Obama and Democratic lawmakers have raised America’s anti-gun paranoia to such a high degree that some school authorities are seeing guns – in pastries.

Seven-year-old Josh Welch was suspended from Park Elementary School in Maryland for two days after the strawberry pastry he was chewing took the crude shape of a handgun. “Bang, bang,” said the precocious boy as he fired imaginary bullets from his delicious imaginary gun.

Certain that Welch’s boyish outburst forever scarred the tender minds of nearby moppets, a bulletin posted on the school’s website informed concerned parents, “If your children express that they are troubled by today’s incident, please talk with them and help share their feelings. Our school counselor is available to meet with any students who have the need to do so next week. In general, please remind them of the importance of making good choices,” wrote Park Elementary’s Assistant Principal Myrna Phillips.

It’s unclear if the “choice” Ms. Phillips referred to concerns the kind of pastry consumed or the way it is consumed. No matter. The clear message to parents and students is that consuming pastry with “malice aforethought” is a punishable offense.

I have a few questions for Park Elementary School administrators and our nation’s lawmakers: How can you prevent such childish displays of imagination from occurring in the future? What prevents other children from chewing pastries into the shape of assault weapons … or fire-breathing dragons for that matter? If you designate elementary schools “pastry-free zones,” won’t that leave the tasty treats solely in the hands of the schoolyard’s pretend criminals? And how can you prevent kids from imagining that clouds floating overhead are pirate ships? More importantly, why isn’t California’s Sen. Dianne Feinstein crafting legislation to ban cafeteria foods that are so easily fashioned into imaginary weapons of mass destruction?

“Do it for the children,” Sen. Feinstein!


  1. The administration of the elementary school are beyond help if they see a need to stifle a child's imagination. It shows that they do not possess an imagination or ever had one. Whats a sorry state we are in to have this lunacy happening to our children. It's no wonder our children can not compete in life.