Little Red Riding Republican

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Little Red Riding Republican

The children gathered round, their little faces glowing in the light from the fireplace, “Tell us a story, PaPa!”

“What kind of story would you like?”

“Something relevant,” the little girl said.     “Yes,” the four boys chimed in, “Relevant! Relevant!”

The old man lit his politically incorrect pipe, and taking a sip from his martini he nodded. “Yes, relevance is important.” He leaned back, drew in the smoke and began, the children’s eyes wide with expectation.     “Once upon a time there was a little girl who owned a coat, purchased by her grandma from earnings she had made from investments back when the old kingdom was strong. She was called Little Red Riding Republican.”

“Was the coat used, PaPa?”

“Oh no! In those days, before the dark times, there were great factories all over the kingdom. People came from other kingdoms just to buy things. But that was in the days of King George the first. King George was following an edict pronounced by Reagan the Great that made it appear as if the kingdom would flourish, but, as you know, he was deposed by Bill the Adulterer, who seized the castle with his Queen, the evil Hillary of Arkansas, or was it New York? No one ever really knew because she had the ability to shift change to the point where the people couldn’t even tell if she was a queen or a king, but I digress.”

The wind howled from outside the cottage, and the old man put another log on the fire. As the embers leaped within the fireplace he continued, “Subsequently, Little Red Riding Republican grew up in a time of war, for after a season, a season, and half a season of the Adulterer, the son of King George the First regained the castle, and the people rejoiced. They said, ‘The factories will now return. Grain will again fill the silos, and we will have more gold, for good King George the Second will give back to the people that which the Adulterer has taken!”

“But, they were wrong, weren’t they, PaPa?”

“Oh, yes they were! For King George the Second was not like his father. While he was away at joust an evil prince conjured up his knights and told them to ride on the backs of two dragons, and destroy the two towers wherein the wealth of the kingdom was kept, for he believed this would crumble the kingdom. King George the Second went on a crusade, but he could never find the evil prince. What little gold he had left he spent pursuing the prince, but the prince vanished as if he had magical powers. After that, God dimmed the light of his wisdom, and King George the Second began to imagine the evil prince was here, there, everywhere, and he saw windmills that existed only in his mind, and he pursued these windmills with a vengeance, even slaying other kings who had no such windmills, and freedom was soon gone from the land.”

“And the people said nothing because they thought King George was like his father, right PaPa?”

“Yes, they did. They thought that he was a member of the sacred order of Republican, but in reality he was not. They had memories of great King Reagan the Great.”

The little girl’s eyes grew wide, and she said, “But King Reagan was not a king, but the court Jester, right PaPa?”

“You are right. He constructed bedtime stories that lured the people into a false sense of security. King George the Second was using these bedtime stories to make the people believe the windmills were real. King George the Second made crusades against Kingdom after Kingdom, until he had exhausted all of his gold. Freedom was gone from the land and a great pestilence came upon the kingdom. The plague of RECESSION! He told the people lies. He said paper was gold, and that the evil prince was mounting a great army to make war.”

“Where did King George go, PaPa?”

“Well, that’s where Little Red Riding Republican comes in. She had been raised in the wisdom handed down from generation to generation. She had eyes of blue, and flaxen hair that fell down around her shoulders. She would take long walks in the country, and one day, during one of these walks she became lost and a figure appeared out of thin air. It was a black knight!”

“And no one knew where he came from, isn’t that right, PaPa?”

“Yes! He claimed to be a great prince, but he did not have a royal seal, indeed, he had conjured one that was a lie, but the people believed him because they did not want to be cursed with political incorrectness, lest they would be called “racist” for even mentioning the Black Knight’s ineligibility to lead. He asked her where she was going and she told him that she was going nowhere, for she had lost her direction. He told her that he, the Black Knight would show her the way out of the woods by using a magic incantation he called, ‘Hope and Change!’ Little Red Riding Republican did not totally believe the black knight, but he smiled upon her, and she became vexed. But he was a member of a dark, and secret order. The Order of the Liberal Democrats, symbolized by a talking Jack Ass. They lie, and steal, and vex the people increasingly.”

“And eat little children like us!”

“Oh yes! They eat little children even before they are born, and if they are born they steal them and give them to anyone who has the gold to buy them. The Black Knight so vexed Little Red Riding Republican that she began to believe all of his lies. Then, by way of sorcery, he pretended to show her a path out of the woods. She could not see that the woods were still there, but the Black Knight had fooled her by an evil spell called ‘misdirection.’ She began to run through all the villages calling, ‘The black knight will save us. Only he has the magic!’ And the people believed! The kingdom rose with such veracity that they gave the castle to the black knight and he became the king.

“But, he had no magic, did he PaPa?”

“Oh no, he was practiced at the art of misdirection. Whenever confronted with the truth he would wave his hand and say, ‘Don’t look there, look HERE!’ And, while the people were looking at his right hand, his left would be doing all manner of iniquity. He took the two edged sword, called “Constitution,” which had been withdrawn from the rock of the Tyrannies centuries before by the great fathers of the kingdom, and flung it into a room filled with liars known as the Supreme Court, whereupon they began to dull its edges until it was no longer a sword, but a club. Soon the entire kingdom was under the cloud of lies called ‘Political Correctness,’ and no one could discern the truth for all wisdom had been taken from the land, and the sword of Constitution was but a club to beat the people into submission. People longed for the days of the great kings, but those days were no more. The Kingdom was not even a Kingdom anymore for even though his subjects were still believing the Black Knight’s lies, other kings did not, nor did they fear the Black Knight’s armies, nor respect his paper gold any longer. Soon the kingdom was overrun with bandits, known as “Refugees.”

“But, PaPa, what ever became of Little Red Riding Republican?”     “Oh, that’s where the story changes. She regained her wisdom by listening to a very wise prince, Lord Donald of the Tower of Trump, and she began to read, and understand, and scales fell from her eyes, and she saw clearly all the lies and sorcery the Black Knight had wrought upon his kingdom. Lord Donald swore to make the kingdom great again, and behold, a new kingdom sprang from the earth, and the Black Knight gnashed his teeth, tore his robe and his paper gold became as ashes in his mouth. The kingdom was saved, and the people said, ‘We shall find and sharpen the sword, Constitution, and use it on the heads of the rulers of the Supreme Court, and the sword will protect us again. And so it came to pass that Prince Donald became King, and placed the sword in the center of the palace, known as the White House. He instructed the people to keep the sword sharp, for if it loses its edge, evil shall befall the land yet again.

The old man finished his martini and said, “Now, your children must go to bed for tomorrow you must be ready for school, and other people have jobs to do.”

“But, PaPa, what ever became of the Black Knight?”     “He was vanquished to a prison called CNN, where, to this day he tries to revive his scroll on racial division, by means of Political Correctness, but the people no longer believe, for they know that he, too, is seeing windmills that are not really there!”

Bill the Butcher
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I write right off the top of my head. I'm direct, funny, and simple. The key word is, "simple." I have a high school education from Killeen High in Killeen, Texas, and that's about as illiterate as you can be, and they still let you drive a car. No use trying to slander me. If you want to dig dirt on me you'd better bring a dump truck, because friend, I've done it all. If there was anything I missed it's only because no one told me about it, because if they did, well, I'd have done that, too! I call myself, "A Simple Ol' Boy From Austin," because when I fall short I can always say, "Hey, I told you from the start that I was stupid."

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