[ This column is a satire. Yes, some events are out of order to make a point. Spare me the year to year]
After Obama’s remarks on the Orlando terrorist attack, The Tea Party Tribune has unearthed a rare transcript of a speech George Washington delivered to the colonists on the day after the Boston Massacre:
My fellow colonials,
As colonists, we mourn the deaths of the innocent people at the hands of a few unidentified persons yesterday. We must stand with the good people of Boston as they work to regain the trust of those soldiers who are so meticulously tending to our safety. Although we are still investigating the cause of the attack, it is too early to place any blame on the British people, their soldiers, or their king. Let me make this perfectly clear: These soldiers had nothing to do with England. England and its people value peace above everything else. Although these soldiers wore the red coats of the British army and used muskets furnished by Great Britain, they are anything but representative of our home country. All we can say now is that an attack happened for reasons unknown.
We grieve for the families of Crispus Attucks and the others who lost their lives yesterday. It is a tragedy, and I hope these words can at least bring some comfort to them, as they endure these hard times.
This morning I spoke to Thomas Hutchinson, the mayor of Boston, and assured him that British investigators would be at his disposal for whatever he may require. I have also dispatched more redcoats to Boston to help with the aftermath.
I have just finished up meeting with Benjamin Franklin and John Adams, and they assure me that we will be able to get to the bottom of this within the next few years. We can only ask for your patience as we probe this matter. Trust me when I say there are things going on behind the scenes of which you are not even aware. The local constables and British soldiers are working hand in hand to discover the motives behind this tragic event, and we will keep you advised as to our findings as they come. Keep in mind, this is an open investigation. To recap. Not British. Not real soldiers. Not their fault.
Let me remind you that as colonists, we bear some responsibility in this matter. When we have events such as what has come to be known as the Boston Tea Party perpetrated by some radical members of our contingent, it is no wonder that it would inspire hate in these no-way-reminiscent-of –British soldier type people . Imagine if it were your tea that people disguised as Indi—er, Native Americans, had dumped in the harbor. And all for the sake of saving a few pennies in taxes. You can see why these non-British, non-soldiers could react the way they did. Let me assure you that we will find these so-called “Sons of Liberty” and make them pay for this. Justice will be served.
We have balked at the Sugar Tax and the Stamp act. We have exceeded our station in demanding that we have no taxation without representation. We must, and should, have complete faith in the British parliament, its king, and its people.
Colonists such as Patrick Henry saying things like “If this be treason, make the most of it” are only serving to egg these events on. It is no wonder they react so violently to us when we openly declare that we want our freedom. Talk like that should be shut down immediately as hate speech. If you hear someone talk of freedom, it is your obligation to turn them in to the soldiers right away. In fact, if everyone will just eliminate the idea of independence, that would be for the best. We must be part of a global community. It is the only way we will defeat the hate that caused this tragic event.
And unless we band together and bow to the king, these events will continue to happen.
To that end, life as a colonist should go on as normal. If we as a people are not able to do that, the non-British have won. When real British soldiers show up at your door, it is your duty, per the Quartering Act, to house and feed them. It is not up to you to decide whether you only have enough for your own family. A few days of sleeping in the street never hurt anyone. You will be all the stronger for it. We must come together to do this for all of England.
Once again to recap: tragic tragedy, unavoidable, our fault, don’t resist, come together, justice.
Now we must get down to the crux of the matter. When will we, as faithful servants of King George, do something about these assault muskets? They are long, and scary, and they can kill people, yet families keep them in their houses with their children. We must accept the common sense musket laws that our British overlords have demanded of us. They have, for years, been asking to confiscate your muskets and pistols and still some of you complain and disregard their please, further making sure that they react harshly. Let me make this as clear as I can. If you have a firearm in your house, you are a criminal. It doesn’t matter if you have not killed anyone. It could happen and that is enough. We must all disarm to stop these senseless tragedies from happening in the first place.
To recap: firearms bad, freedom bad, Parliament good. England!
And so my fellow British servants, let me again say what a tragedy this is, a tragedy that has become all too familiar. Events like these can only be prevented by ushering in strict laws against freedom. Free speech leads to hate speech, and that cannot be abided. Free people lead to angry people, people who feel they aren’t equal to everyone else, and that, too, is wrong. Allowing Parliament to control our every move is the only way to achieve the equality for which everyone fervently hopes. Except for the king; we can never be his equal.
My greatest fear is that people will wrongly distrust the soldiers still in our country who had nothing to do with this incident. To stop that from happening, I have decided to bring in at least 10,000 more British troops. It is our duty as colonist of Grand Old England to accept them with open arms.
And so, my fellow colonists, may God bless the English that lost their lives here today. Or if you are not religious, may no God bless them, as he or she does not exist. We fervently believe that they have gone to a better place. Or not.
I’ll finish with the five words that should be whispered to every grieving family, every scared child, everyone who wrongly wishes for independence, and for the soldiers who will be unfairly treated because of this tragic tragedy: Colonists, give up your guns!
May or may not God or not God bless or not bless the colonies of the Great Country of England and Good King George III.
I will take no questions. Unless it has to do with giving up muskets.
What a different country it has become.