Press Briefing on NYC Bombing


NYC Bombing

We now have the official press briefing on the NYC bombing, yesterday. It was delivered by Mayor Bill de Blasio. Transcript as follows:

“Yesterday there was an explosion in the Chelsea neighborhood. At this time we are not going to call this a bombing. The reasoning is this; After extensive investigation by the FBI, CIA, Homeland Security, the Bureau of Land Management, and the Food and Drug Administration we have taken several facts into account. First off, what appeared to be an explosive device turned out to be a pressure cooker. Naturally, this led to the possibility that there was an effort by someone to prepare food there. After study of the remains of the cooker a faulty pressure valve was discovered. This, of course, would lead to a buildup of pressure causing the cooker to burst, giving the illusion of a bomb being placed. Such was simply not the case.

There has been found that there was some residue around the area, and the Food and Drug Administration called in an expert from Bossier City, Louisiana, one Alex “Slap Yo MaMa” Jones who tested the residue, and rendered a conclusion, which in part read, ‘Yeah, dat’s chicken alright.’ We didn’t want to jump to a hasty conclusion by suggesting that this was anything except what it was, a faulty pressure cooker filled with chicken. Our friends in the Islamic community have supported this investigation fully, and we’re very happy that the pressure cooker wasn’t filled with ribs, or pork roast so they didn’t have to suffer that indignity. While the owner of the pressure cooker has not been identified as of yet we have several witnesses who have come forward to tell us if President Obama had a son he would look like him.

So, we can now move beyond this unfortunate event, and be stronger together. We have concluded that this explosion has nothing to do with other events on the same day, which we categorize as ‘unfortunate similarities.’ There is, of course, a movement under way right now to institute pressure cooker control, but that has nothing at all to do with this happening. Fortunately for our friends in the Democratic Party there is no provision in the constitution supporting the private ownership of pressure cookers. Any reference to cooking devices that may be there would certainly be referring to iron pots over a fire and not the modern devices we have now which the founding fathers certainly had no way of foreseeing, and would not have wished the general public to have access to such implements. President Obama is sending ten million buckets of KFC to Iran in a show of solidarity with our new friends there. . This concludes this press briefing.”

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