I couldn’t believe I came bouncing back in national stories after my little interaction with the Mormons during the Battle of Brigham City! My frequent trips to Utah have consumed most of my time, but the only thing I have going for me in the publishing department is audacity, and the ability to create copy under diverse situations, and Brigham City is diverse! Not diverse in the demographics, saw a black guy yesterday, and he was heading for the freeway, but diverse in ways to relate. They do have minorities in Brigham City. There’s Mormons, and then there’s Gentiles. I happen to be a Gentile. Since there’s a distinct lack of black folk there, they take the Gentiles and make them the black folk. No separate water fountains, but try to find a cup of coffee near Temple Square.

Mormons run Utah. Don’t give me that nonsense about “only thirty percent!” The women’s suffrage movement tried for years to get prohibition and failed. Don’t you wanna know why? They tried for the old fifty-one percent at the polls. First off it was men voting to pour all the beer out, and next, they weren’t listening to a bunch of women talk about anything! Misogynistic enough for ya? Well, there came along this guy who figured out that most elections were pretty well split right down the middle and a five or six percent lead in any result was the proverbial “landslide.” So, he deduced, if one could manipulate ten percent with reasonable stable results, one could throw most any election one’s way. Using this model he threw governors, congressmen, and Jim Beam out the window. Mormons vote in a block. A thirty percent block. That is the political landscape of Utah! And don’t wave that lesbian mayor in Salt Lake City at me or I’ll wave Jeremiah and his nine sister wives back. I’ve SEEN them at Walmart. Guy my age gets out of an SUV with three girls my granddaughter Kylie’s age (she’s over twenty-one, don’t go there;) with ten rugrats trailing behind. It’s NOT a daycare friends, but I don’t care! Live like you wanna live.

This week gave me a host of material to work with. I ended up back in Waco, as a mini-series reminded us that Janet Reno was a bitch, proceed to SoCal where a twelve year old girl forgot to put the safety on her pistol in her backpack, and ended up analyzing a memo that threatened to shut down everything from the Oval Office to Dairy Queen. And you think I’m worried about some religious nut in Utah getting his freak on with a cheerleading squad. If there’s one thing the Obama years did for me, it gave me a thick skin. In a world where a tiger can marry a chair a little polygamy don’t shake me up.

I’m not hating on Mormons, just a little light fun because they’re well, Mormons! You will note I defended David Koresh. That’s because we have a first amendment, something skipped over by the democrats of late. Hmmmm, Janet Reno was a Democrat! Minorities keep VOTING for them! With the political landscape changing daily it’s nice to know that some people just go forward with what they believe to be right and true. God bless Jeremiah the Mormon and his nine wives!

The Ashes Of Mount Carmel

Head’s Up, School’s In


The Memo


Bill the Butcher
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I write right off the top of my head. I'm direct, funny, and simple. The key word is, "simple." I have a high school education from Killeen High in Killeen, Texas, and that's about as illiterate as you can be, and they still let you drive a car. No use trying to slander me. If you want to dig dirt on me you'd better bring a dump truck, because friend, I've done it all. If there was anything I missed it's only because no one told me about it, because if they did, well, I'd have done that, too! I call myself, "A Simple Ol' Boy From Austin," because when I fall short I can always say, "Hey, I told you from the start that I was stupid."