Bye Bye California

How to reduce a Sunshine State to a sanctuary for dung eating dogs.

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Bye Bye California! We Texans have had California stuck up our butts from as far back as I can remember. You have to understand that during my formative years Texas wasn’t exactly the coolest place to live. If you watch the old black and white movie, The Last Picture Show, (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I ripped that title off for my next book so just deal with it) that’s pretty much how it really was right up to the obligatory trip to Boy’s Town, Mexico.

 

Then there was California! Land of milk and honey and Disneyland. Leave it to Beaver lived there. It was always seventy-two degrees and it never rained in California. There was only one teeny, tiny little problem. California was run by the craziest liberals ever to drink a wine cooler on a beach. This has enraged the part of California known as the Inland Empire so much there isn’t a serious movement to separate from the coast creating a fifty-first state called New California!

It started slowly. The weird rules set down by the state seemed logical at first. Little by little it DID rain in California. At the most moment it’s raining illegals. There was this thing about gay marriage. I think fifty-two percent of the voters said, “Oh HELL no!” Then a judge threw out the vote, resigned from the bench, and married his boyfriend. Even the Hell’s Angels cried foul!

When I arrived in SoCal you could actually carry a gun, not loaded of course, that would make good sense, but you could carry. Then California got the idea of the entire state being a gun free zone. You couldn’t even carry a pocket knife. No one needed a gun. No one except the cartels, active shooters, and security protecting the representatives who set that whacky system up.

Then came the question about what to do with all them Meskins! Why shucks! California solution? Make the whole state a safe place for anyone limber enough to jump the fence. Won’t have to worry about the federal law, just ignore that, and the police are too busy anyway searching hikers for pocket knives.

I was told once that San Francisco smelled like flowers. Well, it smells like crap now. I crappith thee not! I really smells like poo poo! That’s because the homeless get to make a potty call wherever they happen to be at any given moment. There’s so much of it the stray dogs can’t eat it all. They have city crews with bull dozers to pick it up.

Why does California have so many homeless? Because you have to be a movie star, or have a best selling book to afford anything larger than a dumpster to sleep in. Hey, I ain’t even gonna lie to you! Someone has to support all them Mexican importees, so taxes in the Golden State have a life of their own. Buy a car, naturally there’s a tax on that. Sell a car, or anything else there is some kind of tax waiting in the shadows. And do NOT dump a wife because she’s fooling around with her girlfriend. You pay something call alimony. Now I’m a Texan. I had to Google that word because it’s against the law in Texas to say it out loud.
Alimony is like being legally obligated to feed a stray cat. I just can’t connect the dots.

As the shine began to tarnish on that silly Hollywood sign those with enough gas to leave began to do just that, LEAVE! And where is the number one destination? Beautiful downtown Austin, Texas! Austin was recently called the best city in America to live in. The climate is remarkably similar to SoCal, streets are clean (we HAVE dogs) and there’s enough gays to make the California immigrants to feel right at home. Why, even our Capitol building is affectionately called “The Pink Dome!” The exodus is so extreme that San Francisco actually lost more people last year than it gained.

This is not necessarily a bad thing. I’ve been waiting over half a century to pack it in California’s rear, but there is a drawback. You can take the liberal out of California, but you can’t take California out of the liberal. They come here bringing their voting record with them in the belief that what didn’t work in the land of fruits and nuts just MIGHT work here. As you know, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over again expecting a different result. Texas has a way of doing things. When ANTIFA took over Berkeley the students wrung their hands, singing Kumbaya.
When they came to Austin the cops just ran over them with horses. Women’s march didn’t fare much better. As the numbers grew it became apparent that a large majority were gays who saw all the vagina hats and Mexicans who thought it was a fiesta. Is that masochistic enough for ya! Hey, it’s Texas!

We have to red-educate our west coast brethren. We need them to know that Texas is nice because we MADE it that way. We SHOT Bonnie and Clyde (and she was cute!) we didn’t let them go because the glove didn’t fit, and then sign them to a book deal! They need to be reminded about things like rolling blackouts. You know, where your lights get turned off for a day because it’s YOUR turn. Earthquakes. I hear all the time that Texas has tornadoes. Dude! I can SEE a tornado coming. None of them has caught me yet. Smog. That lovely brown haze that obscures the Hollywood sign from the freeway. Getting sued for ANYTHING, and arrested for smoking in a non designated area while some chick skates by smoking her “medication.” It will take a while for our guests to turn Texas into California, or a reasonable facsimile thereof, but if we don’t fix this now WE will be moving, or have to get more dogs.

The Butcher!

Bill the Butcher
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I write right off the top of my head. I'm direct, funny, and simple. The key word is, "simple." I have a high school education from Killeen High in Killeen, Texas, and that's about as illiterate as you can be, and they still let you drive a car. No use trying to slander me. If you want to dig dirt on me you'd better bring a dump truck, because friend, I've done it all. If there was anything I missed it's only because no one told me about it, because if they did, well, I'd have done that, too! I call myself, "A Simple Ol' Boy From Austin," because when I fall short I can always say, "Hey, I told you from the start that I was stupid."

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