Don’t Mess With Texas. I wasn’t born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could. Actually, I was born in Shreveport, Louisiana, which is about twenty miles from the Texas border. My mother was a Texan, so when she slipped me across the border I guess you could call me a dreamer.
Texas isn’t the south, the west, or the southwest. Texas is Texas. It was its own country. That gives it a personality unlike any other state. In fact, Texas doesn’t consider itself a state, but a republic equal to all other republics. That’s why the Texas flag usually has its own pole. The Lone Star should not fly under any other flag.
Texas has its own food. It’s not southern cooking, and I’ve only eaten Yankee Pot Roast one time in my life. TexMex is the order of the day. You won’t find that at Taco Bell. You get that at some place called “Rosita’s” with a real live Latino woman in the kitchen, and her three daughters waiting tables.
Texas is diversified. Tourists expect everyone to dress like Roy Rodgers. They have to explain Willie Nelson. They think all Texans are alt-right, conservative, gun toting ranchers. Visit Austin. Eat at a local café, not Texas Road House. That’s not Texas. Pick the gay waiter. He’s fantastic. Austin has a huge gay population. That’s why we call the Capitol building “the pink dome.”
The weather in Texas is remarkably similar to Southern California. There are two seasons. Hot as hell, and cold as hell. If you run an average it’s pretty close to SoCal. More often than not, Austin actually hits pretty close to Los Angeles. Now, they do have a milder winter at times, but Texans enjoy our winter, knowing summer is on the way. In August Texas gets hotter than chicken grease. Tourists from the north coming down for the first time in the summer end up drinking a lot of sweet tea, and talking about global warming. Not global warming. Texas!
Oh, and by the way, it’s SWEET tea! If for any reason you can’t drink sweet tea, drink Shiner Beer instead. There are many variations, and you won’t have to go through all the explanations of wanting unsweetened tea to the waitress at “Bubba’s Café” as she convinces herself that you’re the one her mama warned her about.
Texans are friendly up to a point. That point being when you start comparing Texas to California. We’ve always held The Golden State with a great deal of suspicion. There is a large group that has been upset since California legalized recreational pot. That’s because they KNOW Texas can grow better weed. If we ever get there, California can just close shop, and go home. The brand I own will be called Weird Wilbur’s Texas Best. Grown upside down, and sold in Mason jars. Like moonshine.
Texas girls are prettier, smarter, friendlier, and make cuter babies than almost any other girl on the planet. They usually smell good, too. Feminism to a Texas girl means to be, well, feminine. Unlike New York girls, they’ll look AT you while talking, and not past your left shoulder. None of those videos on how to lure women will work on a Texas girl. Texas girls have mamas, and grandmamas who showed them all the ropes. You come across as a fast talking Yankee, and she’ll quickly put one of those ropes around your neck. The beautiful thing is that foreign girls moving to Texas will usually acquire all the above traits.
So, all are welcome, few are refused. Eat, drink, and be happy. Don’t try to change us, we’re different. That’s why you’re here in the first place. Above all, remember rule number one, as cited at the beginning of this article. Don’t mess with Texas!
Bill the Butcher