The Winter Divorce


I prefer summer divorces to winter ones. Being married six times I’m really up on the divorce thing. It comes with practice. The first one always tears you Divorceup. You invest so much into the relationship, only to find out your significant other had a far range of investments and you weren’t so significant after all.

My first ex took everything. The car, family Bible, the dog and the Christmas tree. I drove out into the desert to die. Few hours of that nonsense and I settled for a beer. Now, I’m not saying your hands don’t shake for a couple weeks, but one day you will wake up in the morning and find that coffee, not her, is the first thing that comes to mind. Then, of course, you gotta go through the bitter stage. Hold women at a distance. If you’re lucky you meet Miss Bitter who’s going through the same thing. That’s always special. Then you remarry thereby proving that you two haven’t learned a single thing.

All my ex’s left me, I never left them. That should tell you something about my dynamite personality. And I’ve had ‘em all. An Indian, a Jew, Yankee, Mexican, you name it. I’m actually still with the last one. Today is our thirty-second anniversary. Got married during shows in Branson Missouri. I’m not gonna go through all the ups and downs, suffice to say we’re used to each other.

I’ve never been much for girlfriends. My only come on line was, “Will you marry me?” Hey, stop laughing. It worked six times in a row didn’t it? Last one just stuck, that’s all. But I could never figure out the dating thing. That, and I’m quite the slob. I’m color blind so when I choose my own clothes I look like a mustard and jelly sandwich. It was a must that all my wives picked my clothes for me. When I’m single I just by jeans and shirts all the same color, which solves the color match problem but gives the impression that I never change clothes.

I looked real hard at polygamy some time back. It was after considering how much I would have saved if instead of all the divorcing I just added one more to the home team. Muslims do that. Mormons too, but they lie about it. The way I understand they can be sealed to one wife. If others come along they can be licked, but not sealed. I thought it was a great idea. Nobody else did. Guess I’m ahead of my time.

Winter divorces leave you cold, literally. As bad as a relationship may be if she’s alive she’s warm. That counts for a lot when you’re cozying up to a chihuahua. Summer divorces find you outside. Also the girls dress different which allows you to check out qualifications. Above all, don’t hate or be jealous. Ain’t no future in that. Someone will always come along. Six someones came along for me.

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