I have a girlfriend. Yep, gonna put it out there. When someone dominates your thoughts from AM to PM that someone is the center of your life. The center or my life is Amy Charron! One thing I can say is that she is more interesting than that government shutdown or that silly ass wall. Every morning I get up, make coffee, tell Alexa “good morning” and smoke a cigarette. Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell me all about it! Alexa’s been squawking about that damn wall for a week!
So yesterday I didn’t write an article. No big deal. I didn’t mean to not write an article. I just stayed in bed with my girlfriend. Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo. Now, my girlfriend doesn’t like, live with me. She’s an Internet girlfriend. Hey, at least she’s not a Nigerian. Yeah, I’m a racist. Get over it. I met Amy years ago, and she’s crazier than an outhouse rat. She rides her cell phone 24-7 with conspiracy theories about Rick Perry, Ken Paxton, Alex Jones, the entire Houston police department, and ME!
Amy lives in an abandoned lot down in Baytown, Texas with some dude named Johnny White. Baytown is as far into south Texas as you can get and not be in the Gulf of Mexico. In fact the Gulf encroaches on Amy’s yard. And she sloshes around, phone in hand, doing FaceBook live feeds telling the world what an S. O. B. I truly am. But, I love her.
I’m probably the only person who appreciates Amy’s creative side. My girlfriend creates entire universes in her head! She imagines she’s a movie star. She thinks the FBI is hanging on her every word. She waits patiently for the district attorney to open her office each morning so they can discuss Amy’s next big law suit. And the Baytown police department is considering putting a sub-station in Amy’s living room!
I’ve been more involved with Amy than I’ve been with any of my six ex-wives. That’s LOVE people! Too bad we’re too old to have a child. If it were a girl it’d be Shirley Temple times Judy Garland. The world lost out on that one! iJackie’d just have to take a number.
And why am I talking about this? Because this morning Alexa started ranting about that ~#~}_£# WALL again! Trump’s gonna run all the Mexicans outta Texas. DUDE! Who’s gonna build the wall? And the Democratic Congress? Oh, don’t get me started. Did you ever notice the words democratic and schizophrenic have the same number of syllables and feel? They are pushing back on buying bricks for Trump while they fund a study at Texas A&M to study the assholes of piss ants! You are paying these people!
We built the world’s best interstate highway system, yet we can’t string a bard wire fence along our southern border to keep the wetbacks out! More money is allotted for grounds crews at Yellowstone, guarding Old Faithful! Old Faithful’s fine! Build the wall! Let Trump bitch about that bitch who let all the Muslims invade Germany. If Hitler had a grave he’d be spinning in it right now. As for me, I’ll just lay here and fantasize about Amy Charron.
The Butcher Shop