What Would Happen If We Threw A War (And Nobody Came?)

    Grease Politics


    What would happen if we threw a war and nobody came? We Americans are good at war. Right after we kicked the British off the continent we turned around, jumped on the Indians, and we’ve been fighting our asses off ever since. Why, in 1861 we couldn’t rile anyone else up so we jumped on our damn selves.

    We manifest destinied our way across the North American continent, took a pause, veered south, jumped on Mexico, returned, and took all the Native American land that had a buffalo chip on it. “You don’t need all dat land. Gimme dat land!” And what we couldn’t fight we sanctioned. We were like the kid who owns the basket ball. Our national policy was if you can’t beat ‘em out, starve ‘em out.

    Now, I give you Venezuela! I want a show of hands here. How many of you even remembered there WAS a Venezuela before this latest round of news about the election down there? Now keep your hands up if you even care. I don’t. Ever since Honduras moved to San Diego I’ve been keeping an eye on the bridge in Laredo to see who’s gonna show up next. I do think that it’s poetic justice though. California dubbing itself a sanctuary state, and a whole country shows up seeking sanctuary. Sweet!

    Venezuela has a boat load of oil. It also has a very nice communist government. Oh, I mean socialist. Gotta be PC here. They don’t have the clap, they have gonorrhea. At any rate, In a country where bananas grow on trees they can’t seem to feed themselves. Ok, so they’re hungry. Don’t we still have the Red Cross? CARE? The freaking MORMONS? But there is a complicating factor here. Remember I said, “oil?” Oh yeah. When politicians in Washington hear that word their eyes roll back in their head, and they get that white foam around their mouths. Never MIND that Texas has more oil than God, if there is one drop of oil somewhere on the planet we will find a way to get a dipstick in it. And we’ve been dipping our stick ever since the first Model T rolled off the assembly line in Detroit. And we’ll put up with anything to acquire that oil. Sign lopsided trade agreements with countries that chop teenage girls heads off for showing their face in public. Arrange flights for their families OUT of the US the day before two planes fly INTO our trade center. All in the name of “freedom!” We can’t have no oppressed people. Give ‘em freedom and take their oil. Or rather, kick their ass and take their gas! Hey, I grew up on Fort Hood, folks. Ask yourself; how much freedom have we smeared around Saudi Arabia? Someone theorized recently that there may be oil on Saturn’s moon, Titan. Sounds like they might need a little freedom up there, what do you say, general?

    So, if Venezuela has oil in abundance, why can’t they eat? Because they didn’t say “Mother may I” to the biggest oil whore on the planet. The good ol’ US of A! THAT’S why! We took it all personal when they went socialist. Now myself, I don’t know what kind of government they had before that, nor do I care so long as the bananas keep showing up at the grocery store. I seriously doubt if any country in South America has a democratic government. But, when oil gets involved, well, that’s the trump card. And it’s really a trump card because we have a TRUMP in office! How do you trump it? Well, you just sanction the hell out of ‘em so they can’t sell the oil, then, as Margaret Thatcher said, they run out of someone else’s money and you get CUBA! When we sanction someone our allies are more or less honor bound to follow suit.

    So now Venezuela has had a screwed up election. (This is my surprised face.) Ask yourself, when was the last time any country south of El Paso ever had a straight up election. Matter of fact, when was the last time WE had an election that could pass muster. Shucks, in the last big one we even had to hire the Russians to run it for us so don’t go all patriotic on me. We were so busy keeping the brothers out of the voting booth we didn’t even notice that nobody else in line spoke English. They even tore up Brother Theo’s ballot and he’s a cracker! An OLD cracker!

    For those of you who dabble in political science, the brown countries don’t have elections, they have revolutions. The big trick is inaugurating the winner without him getting shot. I know, I know, what if the winner is a woman? Those countries are all the State of Misogyny. Ever been to “Boy’s Town?” You can learn a lot about women’s rights down there!

    Anywho, America, yet again, is gearing up to spread a little “freedom” around. The president has said, “All options are on the table.” That’s DC talk for we’re about to declare an undeclared war. The only thing that’s on the table is their oil, and we don’t give a rubber duck if little Fernando gets a Big Mac or not. And, it’ll drag out like Vietnam. In the end we will install a puppet government, complete with some shell corporation to pump the oil out. Shell! There’s a subliminal message there. We don’t have the common decency to just outright steal the oil. Meanwhile, I’ll be sitting down here in Texas enjoying our $1.75 per gallon gasoline as the other forty-nine states try to figure this all out!

    The Butcher Shop
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