What if I were to tell you a fairy tale? Ok, once upon a time inna west there were these three little piggies. Honey, Bunny, and Runny. Honey was the mama, Bunny was around fifteen or so, called Bunny because she looked like she oughta work for Hugh Hefner, and Runny, thirteen, called that because she always ran her mouth. Of course, you ask about the big bad wolf, well, that would be the stepfather. Now, two little piglets and a stepfather, what could possibly go wrong, right?
So there they all were, all cozy, living life. By and by the stepfather tells the step wife, “Honey, we need to hasten to a local beer joint and become stupid tonight. Honey said, “Yeah!” So they hastened to yon honky tonk and drank beer for a full minute, returning in the wee hours of the morning.
As the sun rose over yon freeway, stepfather went to work, and while Honey was preparing for her day, Bunny approached her saying, “Late of last night, step daddy came into my room and vexed me exceedingly. Indeed, an abomination of such proportions that he huffed and puffed, and blew my mind. Runny saw it.”
Honey was beyond devastation, and called the sheriff of Nottingham, who came to the hovel with most haste. By the way, the names have been changed to protect me from getting my ass sued off. So, here comes the sheriff, and Bunny and Runny recount their harrowing tale. The sheriff becomes very angry, and vows to smite the stepdaddy, even with the sword, but more likely a dungeon. He also calls the CPS, because what would a fairy tale be without a wicked witch? And they took samples of Bunny’s beauty, a potion known as DNA, to send to the wizards to find if any spells were cast upon her that would implicate his crime. Now the sheriff didn’t send this to the wizards right away don’t you know. He just set it somewhere in the evidence room next to the beer for a considerable amount of time.
By and by the step father returned and was confronted by the sheriff, and the wicked witch. The witch said that he must leave, and the sheriff said, “Gonna git you, boy!” The step father maintained that he had been kneeling in prayer in the water closet on the night in question, but departed all the same. The witch got on her broom and flew away claiming that while she thought that a spell had been cast she wasn’t getting overtime for this and basically wasn’t wid dem brothas.
The sheriff returned again and again, asking questions of Honey, Bunny, and Runny, each time being better than the previous. Many hours dedicated to conversation even with Bunny alone in her parlor. Indeed, there were whispers in the dark woods that the sheriff had become vexed with one piggie, or perhaps all three, but that’s another story being sold to Netflix. All this time the potions taken remained in the beer cooler for time, a time, and a half time. Actually eight times in all.
By and by the sheriff came with an edict from the king saying that the step father must give his potion, also, so as to see if the two potions had similarities, thereby proving that indeed there had been an abomination. So, the sheriff held the two potions in his hands, one on the left, and one on the right, but he said to himself, “If the wizards say that ne’er these two potions have mixed the king shall have my head!” I must assure the result, for as sheriff I know all truth, and I am too close to retirement to screw up now. Whereupon he devised a way to mix the two potions. Not a lot, just a little so as not to arise suspicion, and then, many moons after the potions were drawn, they were sent to the wizards who did indeed begin work their magic.
While they waited the sheriff continued to question Bunny, even though he claimed that he already knew the truth. Bunny didn’t seem to be able to tell the same story twice, but by now the sheriff was so vexed he didn’t care no mo!” So, the little kingdom sits and waits for the wizards to work their magic on the sheriff’s milk shake, Honey, Bunny, and Runny are securing the door as the REAL big bad wolf huffs and puffs and blows their life up, and the step daddy is still not in the dungeon. Uh, and oh yeah, there was a Mexican sneaking in and out of Bunny’s window all this time. BUILD THE WALL!
The EndThe Butcher Shop