A Fresh Look At School Security

    by The Butcher

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    Got a great idea to end school shootings. In most, if not all schools there is an entrance that consists of an outer door and a door to the right to enter the office and one or two in front of the outer entrance doors for someone to proceed directly into the main hallway. Ok, now work with me on this. 

    We know the days are long gone when someone can just walk into a school. They must check into the office. Only problem is that when Ted Bundy comes through the door he just kills the office staff first. So. First a little construction work needs to occur. 

    The pane glass that encases the foyer needs to be bullet proof. And I don’t mean just thick, but that kind of glass banks have where you pull a gun and the teller shows you her middle finger. The entire area needs to be hermetically sealed so when the doors are closed not one atom escapes. 

    Electronic locks installed on all doors. The kind that sound like you’re going into a secure area on the Nimitz. These locks are hard wired to a red button under the receptionist’s desk. The receptionist’s desk is positioned so that she can see the entrant clearly, either by line of sight but also by a video monitor. X-Ray would be handy like the airports have so all metal objects may be quickly ascertained. There is also a blue button under the desk, But I’ll get to that in a minute. 

    The receptionist needs to be fully vetted. What you want is a man-hating bull dyke who was raped by a biker gang when she was fourteen years old and has the conscience of a rather mature cucumber. Pay her well, and pay her bonuses. 

    There is a lead coming from the blue button to the school alarm system. This button activates an alarm that when heard the children are drilled to report to the front lobby. It should be three short beeps followed by three long beeps like the standard maritime SOS so there is no confusion about what is happening and what to do. 

    The system works like this. Someone arrives and presses the button at the front door alerting Broomhilda, the receptionist, that someone is requesting entry. She checks the video and sees the person. The camera is positioned so that she gets a full body view. She presses red button once to unlock the front door so as to allow entry, but only to the foyer. She again presses the red button twice to relock the doors complete with the Nimitz clanging. It’ll be nice if it’s three loud clanging sounds like those old prison movies. All other doors are now locked and sealed as the receptionist studies the results of the airport style detector that is installed at the front entrance. If no objects are seen, and the receptionist is comfortable with the overall appearance, and demeanor of the visitor the office door is opened by a standard white button. If there are no obvious weapons but the appearance of the visitor raises suspicion ie backpacks etc all doors will remain locked and police are called. If there is an obvious weapon shown by the body scan, well, that’s what the blue button is for.

    Blue is the color symbolizing oxygen. With a fully armed suspect now contained within the bulletproof confines of a glass cage, the receptionist presses the blue button once. This does four things. First, it sets off the alarm that signals the children to do an orderly exit from their classrooms, proceed to the lobby area, and seat themselves on the floor. Next, it activates a pump that proceeds to remove all air from the hermetically sealed foyer. Then, it activates a recording over the school’s PA system of Willie Nelson’s “Just A Little Old Fashion Karma.” And finally, it automatically alerts the police and coroner. As soon as the active shooter is not so “active” the children are led back to their classrooms, the blue button is pressed twice and the air is pumped back into the foyer, the chidren are safe, and the school secure. The police retrieve the suspect, and the school janitors handle the mess. 


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